Tue, 23 Jun 2026 10:04:33 -0700WeeblyMon, 22 Jun 2026 23:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/diversionary-tacticsDiversionary Tactics:

*There is a concern with an issue, issue “X” that you wish to discuss to further understand underlying issues and possible compromises or solutions or an agreement to disagree or collaborate, or attune to one another or to change, etc.  The motive for the person bringing up the issue is to improve the relationship and to enhance emotional/relational intimacy by sharing how they experience an issue.  

*If we can have the emotional maturity to tolerate the distress that accompanies wrestling with uncomfortable issues, we can grow together in intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

*If we are too emotionally fragile to address issues in an adult manner there will eventually be stagnation, frustration, drift, isolation, loneliness and a reservoir of unmet needs that may threaten the relationship by eroding meaningful connection.

*Rather than speaking directly about issue “X” the other person employs diversionary tactics with the purpose of Avoiding talking about an uncomfortable subject which they feel reactive towards.  This avoid tactic can indicate emotional and developmental immaturity, dysfunction or unhealed trauma.

There are many different diversionary tactics.  Here are typical [but not comprehensive]  examples:

*An intolerance of distressful feelings which makes you focus on how anxious you are rather than issue “X” *Hurt Feelings – now we’re focused on hurt feelings and not issue “X”     
*History – dredge up the past about how YOU did such and such and now we are focused on the past and not issue “X”     
*Criticism – complaining about your badness and not discussing issue “X” at all     
*Blame – focusing on how you are the one causing problems and issue “X” is forgotten     
*Name Calling – crazy, bitch, emotional are meant to upset you enough that you get distracted and stop talking about issue “X” while you defend yourself against these attacks     
*Sarcasm, mockery, belittling to hurt you so that you focus on their cruelty and not issue “X” *Insist the past is past and get over it – but if you are not over it, that’s because you never reached a solve or compromise and need to stay focused on issue “X” until you do so
*“You always,” and “You never,” statements that divert the conversation away from issue “X”     
*Smooth talk, empty promises, cajoling, sexual moves which manipulate attention away from issue “X” so that they don’t need to face their part in the problem     *Zero desire for personal accountability for any part of issue “X”     
*They are not bothered by issue “X” so that don’t see the point in wasting time on it     
*Minimizing, making light of the problem because they think it’s no big deal
*Freezing or clamming up when tough topics arise with the belief that they do not need to address issue “X” after they unfreeze – as though that’s some get-out-of-jail-free excuse

Solution:
Ask yourself: 

*Are we talking about and focusing on issue “X” or something else?
*Is the other person listening to understand our concern or more invested in being right and defending their position?     
*Are they asking questions to clarify what the problem is?     
*Are they validating your point of view even if they have a different way of seeing things?  

OR:  
​*Are you going round and round and never getting a solve or mutual understanding?     
*Do you come away feeling misunderstood?     
*Do you feel taken seriously or made out to be overly sensitive?     
*Does the same issue crop up again and again?

*The easiest way to know if your concern has been HIJACKED BY DIVERSIONARY TACTICS is to ask yourself whether you are focused on the issue of concern - or are you focused on something else?  The avoidant person is a skilled practitioner in diverting attention to anything but the topic you’ve brought up.  Are you aware of what’s happening?  Are you playing into their hands?  Are you ready to be more effective communicators before your relationship suffers from lack of meaningful connection?  Read my handout on mindful communication.  

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT
]]>Mon, 15 Jun 2026 23:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/definitions-for-therapyDefinitions

Acceptance / coming to terms with the realization of a fact or truth
Adapt / to change something to suit different conditions or a changed purpose
Agency / the capacity human beings have to choose and to exercise their wills in regulating their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Attitude / a personal view or general feeling about something
Choice / a decision to privilege one thing above another
Codependency / is an issue of over-investment into someone or something.  It is a relationship in which we stay too long while giving away too much of ourselves and our resources all in an attempt to control, rescue, or change someone or something [www.hollikenley.com]
Congruent / the inside experience matches the outside expressions
Cope / to deal successfully with a difficult problem or situation
Delusion / a persistent false belief held in the face of strong contradictory evidence [a stronghold]
Denial / a refusal to face unpleasant facts and deal with serious problems
Forgive / to excuse somebody for a mistake, misunderstanding, or wrongdoing 
Hope / a confident feeling that something desirable is possible
Obstacle / somebody or something that hinders progress
Progress / positive change
Prevail / to prove to be stronger and in the position of greater power
Reconciliation / to restore a friendly relationship between conflicting people
Resilience / the ability to recover from setbacks   Resistant / an unwillingness to change
Responsible / answerable for one's actions
Restitution / compensation for a loss, damage, or injury
Saboteur / somebody who hinders efforts and achievement 
Significance / the meaning something holds
Strategy / a carefully devised plan of action to achieve a goal
Trajectory / the path made through space under the action of given forces such as thrust, wind, and gravity
Thwart / to prevent somebody or somebody's plan from being successful
Validate / to declare firmly the positive attributes a person possesses 
Voice / the right to state one's feelings, thoughts, and opinions

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT
]]>Mon, 08 Jun 2026 23:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/dashboard-light-indicatorsDashboard Light Indicators

Every car has a dashboard with information that guides drivers in caring for their vehicles.  One does not need to be a mechanic to use the display board whilst driving.  Each light can simply be seen as a “signal” calling us to pay attention.  This signal may indicate something requires care or can inform us about how our car is operating.

Taking this metaphor into our personal lives can be a tool to alert us when self-care is indicated.  We are each unique and so too are the signals that we receive.  For example, certain feelings arise, and if left untended, can become overwhelming.  The idea of seeing our feelings as indicator lights that turn on, signaling us to pay attention, can guide us in empathically and gently caring for ourselves.  By catching these signals “early” rather than later, we are empowered to soothe ourselves and care for our needs before we become overwhelmed by powerful feelings.

An example of this might be the felt-sense of emptiness.  Once I recognize how this feeling creeps up on me, I can pay attention to it as though it is a signal to apply self-care.  Emptiness then becomes a dashboard indicator light flicking on and drawing my attention to the experience of some inner disturbance.  Rather than thinking something is wrong with me and rather than my default reaction of isolating myself and feeling different from other people (and not in a good way), I can use this feeling to become curious about what “need” is being signaled.  

Perhaps emptiness is asking me to connect in a more authentic way.  Or it might be prompting me to reach out to others.  Maybe even, emptiness is pushing me to ask for help with processing an experience that felt confusing.  Or emptiness might let me know that I’m feeling overshadowed by big personalities or others’ strong opinions and feeling pushed to the margins of a social event.  There are many possible interpretations.  The point is, that emptiness can become a signal to pay attention to my inner-self.  

At this point, once I’ve become aware of a rising feeling, rather than judge myself or compare myself or cope with the discomfort this feeling elicits, I can remember the dashboard indicator light metaphor and see this feeling as a signal.  We each have innumerable signals and learning to recognize them is an important task of self-discovery and allows for enhanced self-care.  

A common experience for many is fear of speaking up.  Let this feeling become a signal rather than a defining character attribute or a weakness you base your identity upon.  When you begin to notice you have something to say, but you are hesitating, go inward.  Become curious about what need suppressing your voice is signaling.  Again, there are many ways to interpret the felt-experience of silencing oneself and what you are needing in the moment.  Perhaps you want to feel included, or you notice you are making yourself small, or you want to please someone in a position of authority over you.  Do you need to be validated?  Or would speaking up bring clarity?  What words might you say to yourself that bring comfort and stir confidence?

Using dashboard indicator lights as signals can change the way you relate to yourself.  So many of us have unrecognize or under-appreciated needs that have languished, unattended to for so long that we have become used to being bypassed.  But there is a better way to stay connected to oneself than bypassing our needs.  One way to do that is to learn what need is being signaled and then applying the very thing that will bring peace and self-respect.                                                

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT
]]>Mon, 01 Jun 2026 23:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/communication-with-emotional-safetySocial Engagement Circuitry Activation is required for vulnerability and authenticity to show up in relationships.  In order for that to occur there has to be:

*Emotional safety that is free from:     
.Interruptions     
.Defensiveness   
.Reactivity     
.Sarcasm and threatening tones of voice     
.Blaming     
.Dredging up pasts, “Oh yeah, well you…”     
.Going off topic to every single hurt that has ever happened     
.Avoidance of difficult topics     
.Ugly facial expressions     
.Angry body posturing, including turning away from, pointing with finger, etc.     
.Triangulation, talking with others rather than the person you need to talk to

*Essential attributes of Emotional Safety in Mindful Communication:     
.Honesty     
.First seek to understand before being understood   
.Candor, but with gracious phrasing     
.Directness and clear communication     
.Emotional attunement to the essential issue     
.Being fully present, free from distractions     
.Eye contact     
.Caring attitude     
.Mutual Respect, even when disagreeing      
.Listening without interruption     
.Empathy for the other’s perspective and feelings, even when different from yours     .Mindful presence


*Value of Emotional Safety:     
.Dare to simply be yourself     
.Assured that you are allies and not enemies   
 .Your sharing will not be used against you in the future     
.Enhanced emotional closeness     
.Peaceful mind     
.Feel valued     
.Relationship has depth and vibrancy     
.Deeper understanding and appreciation     
.You won’t need to worry about secrecy     
.You don’t have to pretend everything’s ok when it’s not ok     
.More authenticity with self and others   
.Ask for what you want and need rather than expecting others to mindread      
.You’re not responsible for others’ feelings but you are responsible for yours     
.No triangulating, where you talk to others rather than the person you need to talk to
​
*Filters for Sharing:
.Is it Kind?     
.Is it true?     
.Is it helpful?     
.Is it necessary?     
.Is it reactive?     
.Is it relevant?

This is hardly a comprehensive description, but it provides a snapshot of some important elements that can enhance relational connection.

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT]]>Mon, 25 May 2026 23:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/cognitive-distortions  Cognitive Distortions:  Common Forms of Self-Defeating Thoughts
​
1. All-or-nothing thinking:  You see things in black and white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, “I've blown my diet completely.”  This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream!

2. Overgeneralization:  You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or "never" when you think about it. Example: A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the windshield of his car. He told himself, “Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!”

3. Mental filter:  You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the Positive:  You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don't count.” If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to Conclusions:  You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. 

6.  Mind Reading:  Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

7.  Fortune Telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, “I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?” If you're depressed you may tell yourself, “I'll never get better.”

8. Magnification:  You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the “binocular trick.”

9. Emotional Reasoning:  You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly.” Or “I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person.” Or “I feel angry. This proves I'm being treated unfairly.” Or I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second-rate person.” Or “I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless.”

10. "Should" Statements:  You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, “I shouldn't have made so many mistakes.”  This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. “Musts,” “oughts” and “have tos” are similar offenders.  Should statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger and frustration: “He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative” Many people try to motivate themselves with should and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. “I shouldn't eat that doughnut.” This usually doesn't work because all these should and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis called this “musterbation.” I call it the “shouldy” approach to life.

11. Labeling:  Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying “I made a mistake.” You attach a negative label to yourself: “I'm a loser.” You might also label yourself “a fool” or “a failure” or “a jerk.”  Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist. But “fools,” “losers,” and “jerks” do not. These labels are useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, and low self- esteem.  You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: “He's an S.O.B,” Then you feel that the problem is with that person's “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves little room for constructive communication.

12. Personalization and Blame:  Personalization occurs when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulties at school, she told herself, “this shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child.  When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, “If only I were better in bed, he wouldn't beat me.” Personalization leads to guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy. Same people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem: 'The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.” Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being a scapegoat and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato - no one wants to get stuck.

***If you continue to see/believe from this distorted lens, where will you be in one year?  Five years?  
***What is one small step you can take to challenge your perception??

Handout L. Mehnert LMFT
]]>Mon, 18 May 2026 23:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/codependencyCodependency Codependency / is an issue of over-investment into someone or something.  It is a relationship in which we stay too long while giving away too much of ourselves and our resources all in an attempt to control, rescue, or change someone or something [www.hollikenley.com]

*Based on a need to “be needed”
*Dependency upon another person, not dependency on God
*Out of balance relationship that creates extreme ups and downs
*Fear of abandonment is common
*Feeling trapped
*If you leave the relationship, you will hurt – but if you stay, you will hurt
*Hope for future healing is to be healed from your codependent way of relating
*Acknowledge the role you play in perpetuating the codependent pattern
*Stop focusing on what your partner is doing
*Start focusing on what you need to do to become emotionally healthy
*Stop focusing on your partner’s problems 
*Start focusing on solving your own problems
*Stop neglecting people and projects in your own life
*Stop focusing on trying to change your partner
*Start focusing on changing yourself
*Give up your fantasies
*Say no when you need to say no and then hold onto your no
*Realize the Lord is ready and able to meet your deepest emotional needs
*How did you become preoccupied with your partner?
*How did you start neglecting yourself and start focusing on taking care of your partner?
*How has this relationship replicated your painful childhood experiences?
*How have you assigned a higher priority to your partner than to everything else?
*Find an accountability partner whom you can be honest with
*Learn to free yourself from secrets that preserve outward appearances which are deceptive
*Give yourself permission to be honest about your true feelings
*Discern your partner’s character and respond accordingly
*Commit to building relationships with trustworthy, mature Christians whose goal is Christlikeness

What Release Is and What Release Is Not…
Releasing you is not to stop loving you, but loving enough to stop leaning on you.
Releasing you is not to stop caring for you, but caring enough to stop controlling you.
Releasing you is not to turn away from you, but turning to Christ, trusting His control over you.
Releasing you is not to harm you, but realizing “my help” has been harmful.
Releasing you is not to hurt you, but to be willing to be hurt for healing.
Releasing you is not to judge you, but letting the divine Judge, judge me.
Releasing you is not to restrict you, but restricting my demands of you.
Releasing you is not to refuse you, but refusing to keep reality from you.
Releasing you is not to cut myself off from you, but pruning the unfruitful away from you.
Releasing you is not to prove my power over you, but admitting I am powerless to change you.
Releasing you is not to stop believing in you, but believing the Lord alone will build character in you.
Releasing you is not to condemn the past, but cherishing the present and committing our future to God.

Because of Him in Me…
Because Christ was not codependent… I will not be codependent.
Because Christ kept healthy boundaries… I will keep healthy boundaries.
Because Christ was not manipulated… I will not be manipulated.
Because Christ stood up to pressure… I will not cave in to pressure.
Because Christ was not guilt-driven… I will not be guilt-driven.
Because Christ refused to compromise, I will not yield to compromise.
Because Christ lives in me… I will conquer codependency!      By June Hunt

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”         Hebrews 12:1                                       

Handout L. Mehnert LMFT
]]>Mon, 11 May 2026 23:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/codependence-101Some of the symptoms of Codependency include:  

Codependency / is an issue of over-investment into someone or something.  It is a relationship in which we stay too long while giving away too much of ourselves and our resources all in an attempt to control, rescue, or change someone or something [www.hollikenley.com]

Approval seeking, or people pleasing.
Fear of being alone or abandoned or disapproved of.
Feeling selfish, or guilty for not meeting the needs of others.
Abandoning your desires in favor of other’s desires.
Feeling not good enough, or "too much" or "too little."
Irritable when others don't take your advice.
Taking everything personally, being uncomfortable with differences.
Diminishing or shrinking yourself in order to lift up others.
Being everyone's "go to" person in a crises but not otherwise.
Getting caught in others' trauma and drama rather than living your life.
Perpetually rescuing or fixing others, to your demise.
Giving ultimatums, or nagging to keep others out of trouble.
Covering or taking a fall for others – acting as a human buffer.
Enduring unhealthy relationships to avoid loneliness or fear.
Giving away your finances and other resources to depletion.
Having an addict, user, abuser, or narcissist who takes your life hostage.
Having self-limiting or self-sabotaging beliefs that hold you back.
Over-responsibility or doing way more than your fair share.

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT

]]>Tue, 05 May 2026 00:30:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/cbt-explanationCBT Thought Log Explanation
​
EVENT:  Brief description phrase of what caused upset
FEELINGS:  List a feeling you experienced when upset and give it a rank 1-100 that reflects how strong it was.  Then describe a corresponding thought for this feeling before listing the next feeling.
THOUGHT:  Describe what you were thinking for each specific feeling.
HIGHEST RANKED FEELING:  1-100/ Identify the thought paired with the highest ranked feeling.  This helps form the Meaning we attribute to the event and the reason we feel upset by it.
HIGHEST RANKED FEELING 🡪 THOUGHT associated with this specific feeling.  This thought will Helps identify the “Hot Thought” that is triggering the emotional reaction to the event.
CONVERT Into HOT THOUGHT:  “If this thought were true, what does it say about me?”  This translates the thought into your Limiting Self-Belief
EVIDENCE FOR Limiting Self-Belief:  Things that seem to make this belief seem as though it is completely accurate and tells the entire truth of a situation
EVIDENCE THAT REFUTES Limiting Self-Belief:  Things that contradict this negative way of seeing yourself and expands the possible interpretation of the event
MORE BALANCED THOUGHT:  “Even though I sometimes……  and these feelings are strong, ….”
IF I CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THIS, WHERE WILL I BE IN 1, 5, 10 YEARS?
IDENTIFY COGNITIVE DISTORTION:  How does this filter impact my reaction, perception, choices, etc?
DOES THIS BELIEF HELP:  Encourage, build confidence, stir joy, make me a better person, garner hope, elicit self-compassion, dream big, for self-respect, bring freedom, etc?

WHAT IS ONE SMALL THING I CAN DO TO HELP MAKE THINGS BETTER?

*RX:  Use awareness of negative self-talk as a “signal” that I’m out of congruence with my best-self and do one small act of kindness toward myself and engage in compassionate self-talk.
*Ask: “Aside from my perspective, is there another plausible explanation for what happened?
*Recognize the habit of reacting in certain automatic, habitual ways that make things worse.  These are simply thought habits that were an adaptation made to cope with earlier circumstances… but they no longer serve your highest and best good in the present day.  
*For Christian clients:  TEST THE SPIRITS:  1 John 4:1, does this belief come into agreement with God’s Word, with God’s attributes, with Love, with God’s call on my life, with God’s will for me?  If not, do not receive this limiting belief.  If so, make necessary corrections and move forward.

*HOT THOUGHT:  IF this were true, what would it say about ME?  (Meaning we give to event) = Highest Ranked Feeling & Thought, Converted into Meaning:     

BIG PICTURE  More Balanced Thinking = Expanded  Conclusion
*Does this Belief help me:
*feel confident  *believe in myself  *feel hopeful *empower me to be my best  *enhance self-compassion  *forgive myself  *avoid self-pity/victimhood 
*Does this Belief help me to consider any corrections I might make to improve my life?
*If I continue to believe this, where will I be in 1, 5, 10 years?  Is that where I want to be?
*Does this belief help me prosper and be my best, most confident, authentic, daring, etc?
*What is one small thing I can do today to embrace a more balanced way of thinking?

*MEANING-MAKING:  The meaning we attribute to events is not the total reality.  Ask if, “Aside from the way I am seeing things, is there ANOTHER way of understanding what I’ve experienced?  What else might explain this? *Thought + Feeling X Repeatedly = Schema / Deeply Rooted Emotional Belief               
 *What small step could you take that might help improve things?   

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT]]>Tue, 28 Apr 2026 02:30:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/borderline-personalityVulnerable-Child Mode
*Experience feelings of:  Abandonment, anxiety, mistrust, loneliness.  
*FYI:  When vulnerable child feels rejected or thwarted = switch to Angry or Impulsive Child Mode
*RX: support & comfort 

Angry-Child or Impulsive-Child Mode
*Experience angry outbursts, Impulsive behavior.
*Internalized negative beliefs triggered by Reactions of Others.  
*FYI:  Followed by Punitive Parent Mode because Self-Loathing is activated.
*RX:  Help find adequate ways to deal with anger and frustration

Punitive-Parent Mode 
 *Self-devaluation, self-hatred, self-punishment
*FYI:  When this becomes overwhelming, followed by Detached Protector Mode
*RX:  Fight the negatives

Detached-Protector Mode
*Used to reduce emotional pain, avoid close relationships & intense emotions.  
*Shows up as:  Dissociation, Distraction, Substance Abuse, Binge Eating, Self-Injury, and Isolation in order to cope.
*RX:  Reassure, Safety, review pro’s and con’s of coping choices, replace with healthy strategies.

Healthy-Adult Mode
*Aware of needs, choices, solves problems, creates healthy relationships.  
*Action are in Congruence with Values, Needs, & Goals.  Restore joy, fun, play, safety.
*RX:  Strengthen healthy modes 

Handout by L.Mehnert
]]>Mon, 20 Apr 2026 17:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/book-list-for-clientsBiblio-Therapy Suggestions
Alan Hawkins. “Should I Try To Work It Out?”
Alice Miller.  “Banished Knowledge”
Alice Miller. “For Your Own Good”
Amir Levine.  “Attached”
Arteburn & Felton.  “Faith That Hurts & Faith That Heals”
Bradley Jersak. “A More Christlike God”
Brian Zahnd. “Sinners In The Hands Of A Loving God”
Carolyn Dean, M.D. “The Magnesium Miracle”
Chantal Heide. “No More A**holes”
Christine Courtois. “It’s Not You, It’s What Happened To You”
Christopher Heuerta. “The Sacred Enneagram”
Daniel Amen.  “Change Your Brain Change Your Life”
Daniel Amen.  “Unleash The Power Of The Female Brain”
Daniel Amen. “Change Your Brain Every Day”
Daniel Goleman.  “Emotional Intelligence”
Daniel Pink. “The Power Of Regret: How Looking Backwards Moves Us Forward”
Daniel Siegel.  “The Whole Brain Child”
David Brooks. “How To Know A Person: The Art Of Seeing Others Deeply”
David Burns.  “Feeling Good”
Elaine Aron.  “The Highly Sensitive Person”
Eve Ensler.  “The Apology”
Francine Shapiro.  “Getting Past Your Past”
Fumitake Koga Ichiro Kishimi. “The Courage To Ber Disliked”
Gabo Mate M.D. “The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness, & Healing In A Toxic Culture”
Gavin de Becker.  “The Gift of Fear”
Gaye Clark. “Loving Your Adult Children”
Geri Scazzero. “The Emotionally Healthy Woman”
Gilbert Bilezikian.  “Beyond Sex Roles”
Gretchen Baskerville.  “The Life-Saving Divorce”
Harriet Lerner.  “The Dance of Fear”
Holli Kenley.  “Power Down & Parent Up”
Howard Gardner.  “Multiple Intelligences”
Jasmine Lee Cori.  “The Emotionally Absent Mother”
Jean Eich. “Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training With Adoloescents”
Jean Shinoda Bolen.  “Close To The Bone”
Jennie Allen.  “Get Out Of Your Head”
John Gottman.  “The Love Prescription”
John Gottman.  “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”
John Medina.  “Brain Rules” John Sarno M.D. “The Mindbody Prescription”
John Sarno.  “The Divided Mind” Jonice Webb.  “Running on Empty”
Jordan Peterson.  “12 Rules for Life”
Joshua Colemen.  “Rules Of Estrangement”
Judith Herman.  “Trauma and Recovery”
Judith Orloff.  “The Empath’s Survival Guide”
Karen Anderson. “Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters”
Katherine Fabrizio. “The Good Daughter Syndrome”
Kelly Turner.  “Radical Remission”
Larry Winget.  “Grow A Pair”
Larry Winget. “Shut Up, Stop Whining And Get A Life”
Laura Schlesinger.  “10 Stupid Things Men/Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives”
Linday Gibson.  “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
Lisa Wilson Davison. “More Than A Womb”
Lysa Terkeurst.  “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget”
Lysa Terkeurst.  “Good Boundaries And Goodbyes”
Mark Borg, “Don’t Be A Dick: Change Yourself, Change Your World”
Mark Manson. "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck"
Marshall Rosenberg.  “Nonviolent Communication”
Michael Singer.  “The Untethered Soul”
Michael Yapko.  “Hand-Me-Down Blues”
Miguel Ruiz. “The Four Agreements”
Nancy Eiesland. “The Disabled God’
Nancy Sherman. “Afterwar: Healing The Moral Wounds Of Our Soldiers”
Patricia Young. “Understanding And Treating Chronic Shame”
Peter Levine.  “In An Unspoken Voice”
Polly Young-Eisendrath.  “Love Between Equals”
Rick Warren.  “The Purpose Driven Life”
Rebecca Solnit.  “Men Explain Things to Me”
Randall Bell.  “Post-Traumatic Thriving”
Rebecca Gilber M.D. “Connecting With Our Children”
Rita Brock. “Soul Repair: Recovering From Moral Injury After War”
Robin Norwood.  “Women Who Love Too Much”
Roberta Gilber.  “Connecting With Our Children”
Ross Greene.  “The Explosive Child.”
Shawn Meghan Burn.  “Unhealthy Helping”
Sheila Gregoire. “She Deserves Better”
Sondra Barrett.  “Secrets of Your Cells”
Soraya Chemaly.  “Rage Becomes Her”
Susan Forward.  “Emotional Blackmail”
Stephen Porges.  “Our Polyvagal World”
Stephen Arterburn. “Faith That Hurts Faith That Heals”
Strahan Coleman.  “Beholding”
Terrence Real.  “How Can I Get Through To You?”
Terrence Real.  “Us”
Thomas Horvath.  “Sex, Drugs, Gambling & Chocolate”
Tia Levings. “A Well-Trained Wife”
Tom Holmes.  “Parts Work”
Tom Grove. “The Inner Wealth Initiative”
Viktor Frankl.  “Man’s Search For Meaning.”
Violet Oaklander.  “Hidden Treasure”
William J. Walsh PhD.  “Nutrient Power:  Heal Your Brain Chemistry…”  
Wendy Patrick.  “Red Flags”

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT
]]>Mon, 13 Apr 2026 22:30:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/attunementThe Core of Love is:  Emotional Presence!  
Attunement:  A.R.E.

A:  Accessible -  When I need you, are you really there for me?  Fully present?  Reachable both physically and emotionally?  Can you defer avoiding me?

R:  Responsive – Can I count on you to try understand me?  Can you understand why I’m feeling what I feel?  Even if you don’t agree with my point of view, can you convey that you at least understand how I’m experiencing something without interrupting me or defending your position?  Can you seek to understand me first before you are understood?  Are you safe to open up to?  Can I count on you not to raise your voice too loudly or have a haughty tone or attitude, or use sarcasm or put-downs?  Can I trust that you won’t start problem solving until I first feel understood?

E:  Engaged – Can you connect with me or are you distracted by:  substances, your mood, illness, reactivity or being triggered by me, unhealed wounds, anxiety, depression, significant life stresses. When you attune to me, I feel safe with you.  I feel you have compassion what I’m going through.  This helps me to be undefended and open.  In turn, it creates a desire for me to afford the same graciousness toward you because now I feel that we’re on the same team.  When you show me you can stand with me in my distress, I trust you and lean into you rather than feeling cut-off.  I want to feel as though you cherish me rather than see me as an annoyance.   *Can you, in turn, provide this level of attunement toward your partner??
​
Inspired by John Gottman
]]>Mon, 06 Apr 2026 17:00:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/angry-child-tips Overly Sensitive or Frustrated Child Tips:

Strategic Approach:
*Catch upset early
*Recognize early warning signs and take them seriously
*Seek to empathetically understand your child’s perspective and AFFIRM
*Understand that jumping right to solutions or explanations only makes it worse
*List top triggers and solutions to avoid or minimize and give advance warning if unavoidable
*Drink cold water
*Rinse face with cold water
*Brush skin with soft bristle brush
Goals:
*See the problems coming rather than once they’re activated
*To think clearly in the midst of frustration over time
*Parent models behavior desired in child by remaining calm
*Provide an emotionally safe and supportive environment where child feels accepted
*Collaborative problem solving between parent and child at neutral time
*Make deposits into child’s emotional bank account
*Quality time? NO Questions or commands, use affirmations, child’s choice activity, learn the art of commentary, tell child you want to spend special time with them 10-20 minutes of one-on-one.  No phones or texting – just you and your child -“emotional banking” time.  Show lots of interest, discover at least one new or interesting thing about Keith.  Follow your child’s lead

Losing Formula:
*Child inflexibility  +  Parent inflexibility =  Meltdown!
*Parent stressed, tired, distracted + child stressed, tired, distracted = Meltdown!

Basics:
*Parent becomes aware of when they, themselves become triggered
*Parents model emotional calmness *Learn to know bodily signs of early upset and STOP whatever is going on
*Diffuse upset [if caught early] by naming emotion, changing environment, empathic affirmation
*Child is taught to become aware of the start of confused thinking and signal someone
*Brain neurology is hijacked if upset not caught early
*Decide what you’re willing to compromise on rather than being rigidly inflexible
*Interpret upset, not as disobedience, but as Neural Hijacking 
*Pro-active in preventing triggering situations, give advanced warning of changes, avoid known triggers
*Speak in a respectful, calm voice without any interpretations or labels
*Thinking, feeling, problem solving, and communication work together in an integrated way
*Emotional flooding is contagious – parent must remain calm
*Remain warm, loving, accepting, and safe for your kid
*Model respect for your child
*Model flexibility for your child 

What Not to Do: *NO tattle-tale except in the case of safety issues
*Trying to use logic, reasoning, explanations, or problem-solving during upset will NOT work
*Force parent’s solution on kid – ask kid to collaborate on solution instead
*Raise your voice triggers the amygdala to respond to impending threats
*Become as emotional as your child will not help anyone
*Compare your child to anyone else
*Use insensitive language or phrasing that will hurt child but not teach them anything of value
*Force your point of view on child in upset – it’s not helpful to them even if there is value for you
*Making any kind of threats [loss of privilege, etc]
*Reverting to habitual ways of reacting when upset occurs
*Having the whole family rush in with high emotion – this is between you and your child only
*Not having others be accountable for their contribution to the upset
*Punishing during upset
*Form negative opinions and expectations about your child
*Rigidly insisting on obedience without getting the bigger picture
*Avoid forcing solutions

Early Warning Signs / Triggers
*Hunger
*Sick or feeling ill 
*Fussing with Jade
*Tired 
*Bored
*Restless
*Change in energy level
*Mood change 
*Irritability 
*Fear of failure  
*Having to change plans without advanced warning
*Pressure from parent 
*Competitive situation
Full-on Volcanic Meltdown:
 *Safety = #1
*Separate to quiet environment
*Supportive, calm words
*See the problem as a “skill set deficit”  
*Understand what you are seeing from a neurological point of view not as disobedience
*Because of past habitual parental reactions, a child believes they won’t get help in midst of upset Collaborative Problem Solving
*Empathy:  acknowledging and validating child’s concerns and point of view [What is your child feeling, wanting, and needing in this interaction that’s not happening?]
*Is parent very clearly telling the child what you want your child to know?
*Help child articulate their concerns
*Take child’s concerns very seriously
*Establish safety boundaries prior to upset at a neutral time
*Parent maintains emotional self-regulation in spite of child’s distress
*Invite child to collaborate in problem solving
*Child and parent collaborate in anticipating problems
*”Ok, let’s talk about it after we’re calm and let’s find out how we can “anticipate” and make it work better next time and try not to keep repeating the same things that haven’t worked 

***For more information – Southam-Gerow’s books on emotional regulation are highly recommended as well as Ross Greene’s books on parenting Inspired by Dr. Ross Greene         

​Handout by Lo Mehnert]]>Mon, 30 Mar 2026 19:30:00 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/affirmations-with-bilateralsPractice these Affirmations with Bilateral Tapping or Bilateral Sore Spot Rubbing, speaking them aloud.
*Even though I don’t have all the answers,   I’ll find the ones that matter
*Even though I have some stress, I’m learning important ways to cope
*Even though I have regrets, I am learning to accept and love myself
*Even though I’m not where I want to be yet, I am heading in a good direction
*Even though I’ve made less than ideal choices, I now know better
*Even when I disappoint myself, I have a chance to learn and grow and try again
*I am learning to accept,  My human frailty with grace
*I am learning that, My voice matters
*I now know that expecting to be perfect, Is unrealistic and self-sabotaging
*I take responsibility for, Cultivating my thought life
*I alone am responsible for, Working my way out of darkness
*I am learning to let go When it’s time to move forward
*Because I am committed to growing, I am not the same person I used to be
*From this point on, I will live from a place of gratitude
*From now on I will, Practice self-compassion daily
*More and more, I like who I am becoming
*I now know that mistakes are, Important portals for self-discovery and correction
*In my humanity, I am learning self-forgiveness
*The path I travel, Leads to freedom and grace
*I easily engage in, My true authenticity
*Who I am matters, Simply because I exist
*I now recognize that negative self-talk, Is simply a very bad habit that can be changed
*I have the capacity for self-reflection, And emotional repair
*I am capable of mindful communication, And listen with the intent to understand
*I have the capacity to be empathic, Even when I disagree with what is being said
*Even though my feelings may be powerful, I am more than my feelings
*I know for sure that it is not my job, To make or keep others happy
​ *I will not blame those in my present life, For the hurt caused by persons from my past

Handout by Lo Mehnert LMFT
]]>Mon, 23 Mar 2026 21:21:20 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/ace-10-question-surveyPRIOR TO YOUR 18th BIRTHDAY:  Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often….
Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?    OR Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt? 
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often…..
Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? OR Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured? 
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever….
Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way?  OR Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you? 
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Did you often or very often feel that….. 
No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special?  OR Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other? 
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Did you often or very often feel that..... 
You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you?  OR Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it? 
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or other reason? 
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Was your mother or stepmother: 
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or ad something thrown at her?  OR  Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard?   OR Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife? 
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic or who used street  drugs?   
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   
Was a household member depressed or mentally ill or did a household member attempt  suicide?   
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Did a household member go to prison?
Yes     No    If yes enter 1   _____   

Now add up your YES answers:  _______    This is your ACE score.

​NOTE:  Sometimes people take exception to the phrasing of questions 3, 6, and 7, arguing that sexual assault by anyone of any age is traumatic, that the death of a parent should be included, and that both males and females can be victims of domestic violence.  If, when taking the survey, you prefer to modify the questions to allow for these factors, you may feel free to do so.  
]]>Fri, 20 Mar 2026 06:28:36 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/adversitys-call
 Adversity’s Call
A call is a summons that often asks something of us that is indistinct but vital.  It requires us to be in contact with ourselves in new and different ways.  Even in the midst of distressful circumstances that may be unbidden, unfair, or mysterious, there can be a sense of purpose greater than the actual events unfolding before us.  

A call is rich with meaning and invites us to hold deeper conversations about what life is about.  It is a place where we wrestle with questions that may have no clear answers or only partial knowing.  Strange things can call us.  Depression can be a call.  Grief can be a call.  Illness can be a call.  Loss of an ability or independence can be a call.  Betrayal can be a call.  Learning differences can be a call.  Each of these things obliges us to look deeper and encounter uncomfortable issues which we would prefer to avoid.  We can avoid a call but if we turn away from it, we will be emotionally impoverished.  

We are being challenged to relate to the people in our world and to the circumstances we find ourselves in, in an entirely different way.  Old habits that once worked brilliantly cannot begin to help us on these new paths fraught with twists and turns that cannot be GPS’ed.  Old roadmaps are obsolete and do not match the foreign territory that rises in our path.  

Time perception changes.  Perhaps we don’t have as much time as we might have wished but we are still here.  Even when pain and anxiety come over us, there is still blessing to be had.  This new terrain requires patience and acceptance of loss of some control.  There are now things we are powerless to change but that does not mean we are powerless.  I have this moment.  I have today.  How can I make today count?  How can I bless others even if I am suffering?  What kind of an example do I want to model?  I didn’t ask to be a role model.  But whether I like it or not, people know I’m going through a wilderness experience and they are watching to see how I navigate such rocky terrain.  

Do I have fear?  Yes.  It’s a natural part of the human experience.  But I am more than my fear and I have the power to both acknowledge its presence but put it in its proper place.  Fear needs to get into the passenger seat.  My place is in the driver’s seat of my life.  Humility, courage, patience, faith, tolerating ambiguity become my constant companions along the way.  

Now is the time to say important things, to have brave conversations, to engage in a soulful way with those who matter to us.  The events that cast a shadow over our day can be doorways into a deeper call which asks us to engage more fully.  Given what has occurred, how do I live the fullest life I can?  How will I cope with immense challenges?  Who can support me as I go through darkness?  

My energy may be finite.  Do I want to spend it getting mired and bogged down in the sucking sands of despair and resentment at the unfairness of life?  How can I make the most of my days, however many I have?  What does my life stand for?  How can I love better?  How can I listen with compassion?  Rather than getting stuck trying to find some sort of divine explanation for why this thing occurred, seek presence; the presence of God, the presence of loved ones, your own self-presence.  

A call from illness asks us to look beyond placing our entire focus on defeating whatever medical condition we have and awakening to our authentic self and the deeper things of life.  Since this has happened, now what?  This may be a wake-up call to see life as a soul journey where we get in touch with what truly matters.  From this point on, how do I live without regrets?  How can I be more curious than afraid about what comes next?  How can I live more in the ‘here and now’ rather than wasting time worrying about tomorrow?  Even if I have a terminal condition, if I wake up in the morning, then I have today.  I am still alive with a day in front of me.  I have the gift of this pocket of time which has the possibility of blessing and gratitude and connection and affection, etc.  For those of us whose religion believes in Heaven, life continues beyond death.  The greatest mystery may be on the threshold of our days.  While we are here, we can make the most of what we have by being in the moment.  

You are not the cause of your illness.  You are not the cause of bad things happening to you.  You are not the cause of unfairness or being dealt a poor hand.  But now that this unbidden thing has gained entry into your world, how will you choose to continue to make meaning and adapt and be alive enough to engage?  Though there is meaningless suffering and unfairness, how can you deal with it as you live a purposeful life?  

​Life is precious.  Time is precious.  Love is the most important thing in all of creation.  Everything you touch matters.  Who you are matters.  Get the support you need to weather the storm.  Share who you are.  Forget being strong or perfect.  Just be you.  That is more than enough.  As you walk the unknown path, you will be surrounded by love that will lift you.  Everything becomes sacred when we navigate in darkness.  Remember to be compassionate with yourself on this new path.  Get as much done that you love.  Until our last breath, what will we do to make each moment count?  How will you choose to focus on gratitude rather than unfairness or despair?  

Viktor Frankl came through the Holocaust with insightful wisdom when he described the last of man’s freedoms as the ability to choose our attitude in any given situation.  That power can make all the difference as an unbidden call arrives.   

Given whatever has happened to us, how can I make the most of what I do have?  How can I best use my time and energy and love?  What does my life stand for?  What do I need to navigate in this situation?  How will I remain true to what is important to me?  How can I see myself through a lens of grace and compassion?  What is my best hope as I await tomorrow?  What lessons can I take with me into the future?  Can I intentionally place my focus and expectations on possibility and goodness in the midst of life’s challenges?

By L. Mehnert LMFT
]]>Mon, 23 Jan 2017 01:44:13 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/real-transformationReal Transformation begins when I embrace my problems as agents for growth.  That is an inconvenient truth because I was taught to avoid discomfort as much as possible and to control potential upsets by having “practical” strategies for various pitfalls that await those who are unprepared.  But what I have learned as I’ve grown is that it’s impossible to avoid problems and even if I have a bag full of strategies, they don’t always work.  I decided at a moment of great discomfort that I was tired of dodging bullets and wondered if there was another way to view my problems.  The answer is, yes.  Face them, ughhh.  And embrace them!  What??  No, really, it helps.
Common Approaches Dealing with Discomfort or a Problem:
*Wishing it would just go away
*Hoping it would get better all on its own
*Ignore it until it will no longer be ignored
*Distract myself with food, shopping, internet activity, etc
*Makes excuses about why I feel so miserable
*Blame others for my discomfort
*Expect others to rescue me from my discomfort
*Doing an opinion poll of my friends who will side with my perspective on why I have no power over said discomfort
*Ruminate on how terrible things are without taking a single step to make them better
*Become a subject expert on my problems without doing anything to help make them better
*Feel bad about myself because I can’t figure out how to get through this
*Compare myself to others who don’t have problems or who coped more graciously with their problems
*Feel sorry for myself
*Feel scared and become frozen with fear about all the “what if’s”
*Imagine that my problems are worse than, bigger than, more impossible than everyone else’s
*Deny there’s a problem
*Believe that this one’s too big for God to handle (ridiculous, right??)
And the thing is, none of these go-to approaches help.  They only delay figuring out what’s really going on, because coping strategies while helpful, do not bring lasting change.  Avoidance makes my world small, increasing my sense of isolation, which in turn makes me feel more anxious.  I imagine there’s something too big for me to handle lurking in the dark but at a crisis point I’m forced to step into the center of this mystery and what I find surprises me. 
My imagination casts a big shadow making my problem seem insurmountable but as I turn to face this “thing” I see my imagination has been playing tricks on my mind.  It’s not too much for me to handle, it’s just uncomfortable, maybe messier than I’d like, and a bit painful.  As I face my discomfort and force myself not to run, I take a look around with curiosity to see what there is to see.  Mind you, facing and embracing discomfort is not anything I’d naturally do but nothing else has really helped. What I’ve learned is that problems are universal but growth is optional.  Unprocessed distress has power over me and my problems remain frozen in place, only partially metabolized when I turn away and pretend “everything will work out.”  This is what keeps me stuck.
I don’t particularly mind the feeling of “stuckness” except there’s this nagging voice in my head that says, “There’s more to life than surviving.”  In my gut I know that’s true.  In the depth of my being I know I’m created for more than just getting by and it’s this spark in my spirit that dares me, pushes me really, to take the risk to turn towards the source of my discomfort rather than to continue hiding and expending massive amounts of energy trying to protect myself from feeling my feelings. 
This is the beginning of true freedom – no longer avoiding discomfort, no more protecting myself from big feelings or being worried about not having everything all figured out.  Then of course there’s the faith factor that I somehow seem to skip over when I’m absorbed with worry.  If I want to stop the internal struggle and the safety-committee chattering in my head, I must be willing to do something different than my old habitual ways to just getting by.  It’s not that I’m braver than anyone else, I just made a decision that what I had been doing wasn’t working – and I got help.  Faith, therapy, and friends have all given me the courage not to turn away from the “thing” that I now face, embrace, and am curious about.  This new approach didn’t happen all at once but I am giving myself permission to try something new because I like the feeling of freedom it’s bringing.  I wonder if you will too?
 
L. Mehnert LMFT © 2017

​]]>Sun, 26 Jun 2016 18:34:29 GMThttps://www.emdrtherapistsandiego.com/blog/finding-your-voiceYour voice is utterly unique in all of creation and adds richness to the lives of those you come into contact with.  Voice is like a muscle that is strengthened with use and atrophies with disuse.  It is like a hothouse flower that flourishes under the right conditions but withers from neglect. 
WHY YOUR VOICE MATTERS:
​*It helps you gain clarity about your life
​*It lets others know how you think and feel
*You are the only one who can use it
*It sets important boundaries
​*It reveals your heart
*It connects you to others in important ways
*It keeps you from being isolated
*It reveals your mood
*It helps others understand you
*It reaches God in prayer
*It can be lifted up in song
*And if you choose, it can be a source of great encouragement to others

​Your voice matters.  "Speak, even if your voice shakes."  Maggie Kuhn
​
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