L. Mehnert Counseling

5/11/2026 0 Comments

Some of the symptoms of Codependency include:

Codependency / is an issue of over-investment into someone or something. It is a relationship in which we stay too long while giving away too much of ourselves and our resources all in an attempt to control, rescue, or change someone or something [www.hollikenley.com]

Approval seeking, or people pleasing.
Fear of being alone or abandoned or disapproved of.
Feeling selfish, or guilty for not meeting the needs of others.
Abandoning your desires in favor of other’s desires.
Feeling not good enough, or "too much" or "too little."
Irritable when others don't take your advice.
Taking everything personally, being uncomfortable with differences.
Diminishing or shrinking yourself in order to lift up others.
Being everyone's "go to" person in a crises but not otherwise.
Getting caught in others' trauma and drama rather than living your life.
Perpetually rescuing or fixing others, to your demise.
Giving ultimatums, or nagging to keep others out of trouble.
Covering or taking a fall for others – acting as a human buffer.
Enduring unhealthy relationships to avoid loneliness or fear.
Giving away your finances and other resources to depletion.
Having an addict, user, abuser, or narcissist who takes your life hostage.
Having self-limiting or self-sabotaging beliefs that hold you back.
Over-responsibility or doing way more than your fair share.

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT

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5/4/2026 0 Comments

CBT Thought Log Explanation

EVENT: Brief description phrase of what caused upset
FEELINGS: List a feeling you experienced when upset and give it a rank 1-100 that reflects how strong it was. Then describe a corresponding thought for this feeling before listing the next feeling.
THOUGHT: Describe what you were thinking for each specific feeling.
HIGHEST RANKED FEELING: 1-100/ Identify the thought paired with the highest ranked feeling. This helps form the Meaning we attribute to the event and the reason we feel upset by it.
HIGHEST RANKED FEELING 🡪 THOUGHT associated with this specific feeling. This thought will Helps identify the “Hot Thought” that is triggering the emotional reaction to the event.
CONVERT Into HOT THOUGHT: “If this thought were true, what does it say about me?” This translates the thought into your Limiting Self-Belief
EVIDENCE FOR Limiting Self-Belief: Things that seem to make this belief seem as though it is completely accurate and tells the entire truth of a situation
EVIDENCE THAT REFUTES Limiting Self-Belief: Things that contradict this negative way of seeing yourself and expands the possible interpretation of the event
MORE BALANCED THOUGHT: “Even though I sometimes…… and these feelings are strong, ….”
IF I CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THIS, WHERE WILL I BE IN 1, 5, 10 YEARS?
IDENTIFY COGNITIVE DISTORTION: How does this filter impact my reaction, perception, choices, etc?
DOES THIS BELIEF HELP: Encourage, build confidence, stir joy, make me a better person, garner hope, elicit self-compassion, dream big, for self-respect, bring freedom, etc?

WHAT IS ONE SMALL THING I CAN DO TO HELP MAKE THINGS BETTER?

RX: Use awareness of negative self-talk as a “signal” that I’m out of congruence with my best-self and do one small act of kindness toward myself and engage in compassionate self-talk.
Ask: “Aside from my perspective, is there another plausible explanation for what happened?
Recognize the habit of reacting in certain automatic, habitual ways that make things worse. These are simply thought habits that were an adaptation made to cope with earlier circumstances… but they no longer serve your highest and best good in the present day.
For Christian clients: TEST THE SPIRITS: 1 John 4:1, does this belief come into agreement with God’s Word, with God’s attributes, with Love, with God’s call on my life, with God’s will for me? If not, do not receive this limiting belief. If so, make necessary corrections and move forward.

HOT THOUGHT: IF this were true, what would it say about ME? (Meaning we give to event) = Highest Ranked Feeling & Thought, Converted into Meaning:

BIG PICTURE More Balanced Thinking = Expanded Conclusion
Does this Belief help me:
feel confident believe in myself feel hopeful empower me to be my best enhance self-compassion forgive myself avoid self-pity/victimhood
Does this Belief help me to consider any corrections I might make to improve my life?
If I continue to believe this, where will I be in 1, 5, 10 years? Is that where I want to be?
Does this belief help me prosper and be my best, most confident, authentic, daring, etc?
What is one small thing I can do today to embrace a more balanced way of thinking?

MEANING-MAKING: The meaning we attribute to events is not the total reality. Ask if, “Aside from the way I am seeing things, is there ANOTHER way of understanding what I’ve experienced? What else might explain this? Thought + Feeling X Repeatedly = Schema / Deeply Rooted Emotional Belief
What small step could you take that might help improve things?

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT

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4/27/2026 0 Comments

Vulnerable-Child Mode
Experience feelings of: Abandonment, anxiety, mistrust, loneliness.
FYI: When vulnerable child feels rejected or thwarted = switch to Angry or Impulsive Child Mode
RX: support & comfort

Angry-Child or Impulsive-Child Mode
Experience angry outbursts, Impulsive behavior.
Internalized negative beliefs triggered by Reactions of Others.
FYI: Followed by Punitive Parent Mode because Self-Loathing is activated.
RX: Help find adequate ways to deal with anger and frustration

Punitive-Parent Mode
Self-devaluation, self-hatred, self-punishment
FYI: When this becomes overwhelming, followed by Detached Protector Mode
RX: Fight the negatives

Detached-Protector Mode
Used to reduce emotional pain, avoid close relationships & intense emotions.
Shows up as: Dissociation, Distraction, Substance Abuse, Binge Eating, Self-Injury, and Isolation in order to cope.
RX: Reassure, Safety, review pro’s and con’s of coping choices, replace with healthy strategies.

Healthy-Adult Mode
Aware of needs, choices, solves problems, creates healthy relationships.
Action are in Congruence with Values, Needs, & Goals. Restore joy, fun, play, safety.
RX: Strengthen healthy modes

Handout by L.Mehnert

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4/20/2026 0 Comments

Biblio-Therapy Suggestions
Alan Hawkins. “Should I Try To Work It Out?”
Alice Miller. “Banished Knowledge”
Alice Miller. “For Your Own Good”
Amir Levine. “Attached”
Arteburn & Felton. “Faith That Hurts & Faith That Heals”
Bradley Jersak. “A More Christlike God”
Brian Zahnd. “Sinners In The Hands Of A Loving God”
Carolyn Dean, M.D. “The Magnesium Miracle”
Chantal Heide. “No More A**holes”
Christine Courtois. “It’s Not You, It’s What Happened To You”
Christopher Heuerta. “The Sacred Enneagram”
Daniel Amen. “Change Your Brain Change Your Life”
Daniel Amen. “Unleash The Power Of The Female Brain”
Daniel Amen. “Change Your Brain Every Day”
Daniel Goleman. “Emotional Intelligence”
Daniel Pink. “The Power Of Regret: How Looking Backwards Moves Us Forward”
Daniel Siegel. “The Whole Brain Child”
David Brooks. “How To Know A Person: The Art Of Seeing Others Deeply”
David Burns. “Feeling Good”
Elaine Aron. “The Highly Sensitive Person”
Eve Ensler. “The Apology”
Francine Shapiro. “Getting Past Your Past”
Fumitake Koga Ichiro Kishimi. “The Courage To Ber Disliked”
Gabo Mate M.D. “The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness, & Healing In A Toxic Culture”
Gavin de Becker. “The Gift of Fear”
Gaye Clark. “Loving Your Adult Children”
Geri Scazzero. “The Emotionally Healthy Woman”
Gilbert Bilezikian. “Beyond Sex Roles”
Gretchen Baskerville. “The Life-Saving Divorce”
Harriet Lerner. “The Dance of Fear”
Holli Kenley. “Power Down & Parent Up”
Howard Gardner. “Multiple Intelligences”
Jasmine Lee Cori. “The Emotionally Absent Mother”
Jean Eich. “Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training With Adoloescents”
Jean Shinoda Bolen. “Close To The Bone”
Jennie Allen. “Get Out Of Your Head”
John Gottman. “The Love Prescription”
John Gottman. “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”
John Medina. “Brain Rules” John Sarno M.D. “The Mindbody Prescription”
John Sarno. “The Divided Mind” Jonice Webb. “Running on Empty”
Jordan Peterson. “12 Rules for Life”
Joshua Colemen. “Rules Of Estrangement”
Judith Herman. “Trauma and Recovery”
Judith Orloff. “The Empath’s Survival Guide”
Karen Anderson. “Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters”
Katherine Fabrizio. “The Good Daughter Syndrome”
Kelly Turner. “Radical Remission”
Larry Winget. “Grow A Pair”
Larry Winget. “Shut Up, Stop Whining And Get A Life”
Laura Schlesinger. “10 Stupid Things Men/Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives”
Linday Gibson. “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
Lisa Wilson Davison. “More Than A Womb”
Lysa Terkeurst. “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget”
Lysa Terkeurst. “Good Boundaries And Goodbyes”
Mark Borg, “Don’t Be A Dick: Change Yourself, Change Your World”
Mark Manson. "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck"
Marshall Rosenberg. “Nonviolent Communication”
Michael Singer. “The Untethered Soul”
Michael Yapko. “Hand-Me-Down Blues”
Miguel Ruiz. “The Four Agreements”
Nancy Eiesland. “The Disabled God’
Nancy Sherman. “Afterwar: Healing The Moral Wounds Of Our Soldiers”
Patricia Young. “Understanding And Treating Chronic Shame”
Peter Levine. “In An Unspoken Voice”
Polly Young-Eisendrath. “Love Between Equals”
Rick Warren. “The Purpose Driven Life”
Rebecca Solnit. “Men Explain Things to Me”
Randall Bell. “Post-Traumatic Thriving”
Rebecca Gilber M.D. “Connecting With Our Children”
Rita Brock. “Soul Repair: Recovering From Moral Injury After War”
Robin Norwood. “Women Who Love Too Much”
Roberta Gilber. “Connecting With Our Children”
Ross Greene. “The Explosive Child.”
Shawn Meghan Burn. “Unhealthy Helping”
Sheila Gregoire. “She Deserves Better”
Sondra Barrett. “Secrets of Your Cells”
Soraya Chemaly. “Rage Becomes Her”
Susan Forward. “Emotional Blackmail”
Stephen Porges. “Our Polyvagal World”
Stephen Arterburn. “Faith That Hurts Faith That Heals”
Strahan Coleman. “Beholding”
Terrence Real. “How Can I Get Through To You?”
Terrence Real. “Us”
Thomas Horvath. “Sex, Drugs, Gambling & Chocolate”
Tia Levings. “A Well-Trained Wife”
Tom Holmes. “Parts Work”
Tom Grove. “The Inner Wealth Initiative”
Viktor Frankl. “Man’s Search For Meaning.”
Violet Oaklander. “Hidden Treasure”
William J. Walsh PhD. “Nutrient Power: Heal Your Brain Chemistry…”
Wendy Patrick. “Red Flags”

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT

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4/13/2026 0 Comments

The Core of Love is: Emotional Presence!
Attunement: A.R.E.

A: Accessible - When I need you, are you really there for me? Fully present? Reachable both physically and emotionally? Can you defer avoiding me?

R: Responsive – Can I count on you to try understand me? Can you understand why I’m feeling what I feel? Even if you don’t agree with my point of view, can you convey that you at least understand how I’m experiencing something without interrupting me or defending your position? Can you seek to understand me first before you are understood? Are you safe to open up to? Can I count on you not to raise your voice too loudly or have a haughty tone or attitude, or use sarcasm or put-downs? Can I trust that you won’t start problem solving until I first feel understood?

E: Engaged – Can you connect with me or are you distracted by: substances, your mood, illness, reactivity or being triggered by me, unhealed wounds, anxiety, depression, significant life stresses. When you attune to me, I feel safe with you. I feel you have compassion what I’m going through. This helps me to be undefended and open. In turn, it creates a desire for me to afford the same graciousness toward you because now I feel that we’re on the same team. When you show me you can stand with me in my distress, I trust you and lean into you rather than feeling cut-off. I want to feel as though you cherish me rather than see me as an annoyance. *Can you, in turn, provide this level of attunement toward your partner??

Inspired by John Gottman

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4/6/2026 0 Comments

Overly Sensitive or Frustrated Child Tips:

Strategic Approach:
Catch upset early
Recognize early warning signs and take them seriously
Seek to empathetically understand your child’s perspective and AFFIRM
Understand that jumping right to solutions or explanations only makes it worse
List top triggers and solutions to avoid or minimize and give advance warning if unavoidable
Drink cold water
Rinse face with cold water
Brush skin with soft bristle brush
Goals:
See the problems coming rather than once they’re activated
To think clearly in the midst of frustration over time
Parent models behavior desired in child by remaining calm
Provide an emotionally safe and supportive environment where child feels accepted
Collaborative problem solving between parent and child at neutral time
Make deposits into child’s emotional bank account
Quality time? NO Questions or commands, use affirmations, child’s choice activity, learn the art of commentary, tell child you want to spend special time with them 10-20 minutes of one-on-one. No phones or texting – just you and your child -“emotional banking” time. Show lots of interest, discover at least one new or interesting thing about Keith. Follow your child’s lead

Losing Formula:
Child inflexibility + Parent inflexibility = Meltdown!
Parent stressed, tired, distracted + child stressed, tired, distracted = Meltdown!

Basics:
Parent becomes aware of when they, themselves become triggered
Parents model emotional calmness Learn to know bodily signs of early upset and STOP whatever is going on
Diffuse upset [if caught early] by naming emotion, changing environment, empathic affirmation
Child is taught to become aware of the start of confused thinking and signal someone
Brain neurology is hijacked if upset not caught early
Decide what you’re willing to compromise on rather than being rigidly inflexible
Interpret upset, not as disobedience, but as Neural Hijacking
Pro-active in preventing triggering situations, give advanced warning of changes, avoid known triggers
Speak in a respectful, calm voice without any interpretations or labels
Thinking, feeling, problem solving, and communication work together in an integrated way
Emotional flooding is contagious – parent must remain calm
Remain warm, loving, accepting, and safe for your kid
Model respect for your child
Model flexibility for your child

What Not to Do: NO tattle-tale except in the case of safety issues
Trying to use logic, reasoning, explanations, or problem-solving during upset will NOT work
Force parent’s solution on kid – ask kid to collaborate on solution instead
Raise your voice triggers the amygdala to respond to impending threats
Become as emotional as your child will not help anyone
Compare your child to anyone else
Use insensitive language or phrasing that will hurt child but not teach them anything of value
Force your point of view on child in upset – it’s not helpful to them even if there is value for you
Making any kind of threats [loss of privilege, etc]
Reverting to habitual ways of reacting when upset occurs
Having the whole family rush in with high emotion – this is between you and your child only
Not having others be accountable for their contribution to the upset
Punishing during upset
Form negative opinions and expectations about your child
Rigidly insisting on obedience without getting the bigger picture
Avoid forcing solutions

Early Warning Signs / Triggers
Hunger
Sick or feeling ill
Fussing with Jade
Tired
Bored
Restless
Change in energy level
Mood change
Irritability
Fear of failure
Having to change plans without advanced warning
Pressure from parent
Competitive situation
Full-on Volcanic Meltdown:
Safety = #1
Separate to quiet environment
Supportive, calm words
See the problem as a “skill set deficit”
Understand what you are seeing from a neurological point of view not as disobedience
Because of past habitual parental reactions, a child believes they won’t get help in midst of upset Collaborative Problem Solving
Empathy: acknowledging and validating child’s concerns and point of view [What is your child feeling, wanting, and needing in this interaction that’s not happening?]
Is parent very clearly telling the child what you want your child to know?
Help child articulate their concerns
Take child’s concerns very seriously
Establish safety boundaries prior to upset at a neutral time
Parent maintains emotional self-regulation in spite of child’s distress
Invite child to collaborate in problem solving
Child and parent collaborate in anticipating problems
”Ok, let’s talk about it after we’re calm and let’s find out how we can “anticipate” and make it work better next time and try not to keep repeating the same things that haven’t worked

***For more information – Southam-Gerow’s books on emotional regulation are highly recommended as well as Ross Greene’s books on parenting Inspired by Dr. Ross Greene

Handout by Lo Mehnert

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3/30/2026 0 Comments

Practice these Affirmations with Bilateral Tapping or Bilateral Sore Spot Rubbing, speaking them aloud.
Even though I don’t have all the answers, I’ll find the ones that matter
Even though I have some stress, I’m learning important ways to cope
Even though I have regrets, I am learning to accept and love myself
Even though I’m not where I want to be yet, I am heading in a good direction
Even though I’ve made less than ideal choices, I now know better
Even when I disappoint myself, I have a chance to learn and grow and try again
I am learning to accept, My human frailty with grace
I am learning that, My voice matters
I now know that expecting to be perfect, Is unrealistic and self-sabotaging
I take responsibility for, Cultivating my thought life
I alone am responsible for, Working my way out of darkness
I am learning to let go When it’s time to move forward
Because I am committed to growing, I am not the same person I used to be
From this point on, I will live from a place of gratitude
From now on I will, Practice self-compassion daily
More and more, I like who I am becoming
I now know that mistakes are, Important portals for self-discovery and correction
In my humanity, I am learning self-forgiveness
The path I travel, Leads to freedom and grace
I easily engage in, My true authenticity
Who I am matters, Simply because I exist
I now recognize that negative self-talk, Is simply a very bad habit that can be changed
I have the capacity for self-reflection, And emotional repair
I am capable of mindful communication, And listen with the intent to understand
I have the capacity to be empathic, Even when I disagree with what is being said
Even though my feelings may be powerful, I am more than my feelings
I know for sure that it is not my job, To make or keep others happy
I will not blame those in my present life, For the hurt caused by persons from my past

Handout by Lo Mehnert LMFT

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3/23/2026 0 Comments

PRIOR TO YOUR 18th BIRTHDAY: Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often….
Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? OR Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ___

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often…..
Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? OR Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _

Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever….
Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? OR Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _

Did you often or very often feel that…..
No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? OR Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _

Did you often or very often feel that.....
You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? OR Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _

Was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or other reason?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _

Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or ad something thrown at her? OR Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard?   OR Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _

Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic or who used street drugs?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _
Was a household member depressed or mentally ill or did a household member attempt suicide?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _

Did a household member go to prison?
Yes No    If yes enter 1 _

Now add up your YES answers: _____ This is your ACE score.

NOTE: Sometimes people take exception to the phrasing of questions 3, 6, and 7, arguing that sexual assault by anyone of any age is traumatic, that the death of a parent should be included, and that both males and females can be victims of domestic violence. If, when taking the survey, you prefer to modify the questions to allow for these factors, you may feel free to do so.

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3/19/2026 0 Comments

Adversity’s Call
A call is a summons that often asks something of us that is indistinct but vital. It requires us to be in contact with ourselves in new and different ways. Even in the midst of distressful circumstances that may be unbidden, unfair, or mysterious, there can be a sense of purpose greater than the actual events unfolding before us.

A call is rich with meaning and invites us to hold deeper conversations about what life is about. It is a place where we wrestle with questions that may have no clear answers or only partial knowing. Strange things can call us. Depression can be a call. Grief can be a call. Illness can be a call. Loss of an ability or independence can be a call. Betrayal can be a call. Learning differences can be a call. Each of these things obliges us to look deeper and encounter uncomfortable issues which we would prefer to avoid. We can avoid a call but if we turn away from it, we will be emotionally impoverished.

We are being challenged to relate to the people in our world and to the circumstances we find ourselves in, in an entirely different way. Old habits that once worked brilliantly cannot begin to help us on these new paths fraught with twists and turns that cannot be GPS’ed. Old roadmaps are obsolete and do not match the foreign territory that rises in our path.

Time perception changes. Perhaps we don’t have as much time as we might have wished but we are still here. Even when pain and anxiety come over us, there is still blessing to be had. This new terrain requires patience and acceptance of loss of some control. There are now things we are powerless to change but that does not mean we are powerless. I have this moment. I have today. How can I make today count? How can I bless others even if I am suffering? What kind of an example do I want to model? I didn’t ask to be a role model. But whether I like it or not, people know I’m going through a wilderness experience and they are watching to see how I navigate such rocky terrain.

Do I have fear? Yes. It’s a natural part of the human experience. But I am more than my fear and I have the power to both acknowledge its presence but put it in its proper place. Fear needs to get into the passenger seat. My place is in the driver’s seat of my life. Humility, courage, patience, faith, tolerating ambiguity become my constant companions along the way.

Now is the time to say important things, to have brave conversations, to engage in a soulful way with those who matter to us. The events that cast a shadow over our day can be doorways into a deeper call which asks us to engage more fully. Given what has occurred, how do I live the fullest life I can? How will I cope with immense challenges? Who can support me as I go through darkness?

My energy may be finite. Do I want to spend it getting mired and bogged down in the sucking sands of despair and resentment at the unfairness of life? How can I make the most of my days, however many I have? What does my life stand for? How can I love better? How can I listen with compassion? Rather than getting stuck trying to find some sort of divine explanation for why this thing occurred, seek presence; the presence of God, the presence of loved ones, your own self-presence.

A call from illness asks us to look beyond placing our entire focus on defeating whatever medical condition we have and awakening to our authentic self and the deeper things of life. Since this has happened, now what? This may be a wake-up call to see life as a soul journey where we get in touch with what truly matters. From this point on, how do I live without regrets? How can I be more curious than afraid about what comes next? How can I live more in the ‘here and now’ rather than wasting time worrying about tomorrow? Even if I have a terminal condition, if I wake up in the morning, then I have today. I am still alive with a day in front of me. I have the gift of this pocket of time which has the possibility of blessing and gratitude and connection and affection, etc. For those of us whose religion believes in Heaven, life continues beyond death. The greatest mystery may be on the threshold of our days. While we are here, we can make the most of what we have by being in the moment.

You are not the cause of your illness. You are not the cause of bad things happening to you. You are not the cause of unfairness or being dealt a poor hand. But now that this unbidden thing has gained entry into your world, how will you choose to continue to make meaning and adapt and be alive enough to engage? Though there is meaningless suffering and unfairness, how can you deal with it as you live a purposeful life?

Life is precious. Time is precious. Love is the most important thing in all of creation. Everything you touch matters. Who you are matters. Get the support you need to weather the storm. Share who you are. Forget being strong or perfect. Just be you. That is more than enough. As you walk the unknown path, you will be surrounded by love that will lift you. Everything becomes sacred when we navigate in darkness. Remember to be compassionate with yourself on this new path. Get as much done that you love. Until our last breath, what will we do to make each moment count? How will you choose to focus on gratitude rather than unfairness or despair?

Viktor Frankl came through the Holocaust with insightful wisdom when he described the last of man’s freedoms as the ability to choose our attitude in any given situation. That power can make all the difference as an unbidden call arrives.

Given whatever has happened to us, how can I make the most of what I do have? How can I best use my time and energy and love? What does my life stand for? What do I need to navigate in this situation? How will I remain true to what is important to me? How can I see myself through a lens of grace and compassion? What is my best hope as I await tomorrow? What lessons can I take with me into the future? Can I intentionally place my focus and expectations on possibility and goodness in the midst of life’s challenges?

By L. Mehnert LMFT

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1/22/2017 0 Comments

Real Transformation

Real Transformation begins when I embrace my problems as agents for growth. That is an inconvenient truth because I was taught to avoid discomfort as much as possible and to control potential upsets by having “practical” strategies for various pitfalls that await those who are unprepared. But what I have learned as I’ve grown is that it’s impossible to avoid problems and even if I have a bag full of strategies, they don’t always work. I decided at a moment of great discomfort that I was tired of dodging bullets and wondered if there was another way to view my problems. The answer is, yes. Face them, ughhh. And embrace them! What?? No, really, it helps.
Common Approaches Dealing with Discomfort or a Problem:
*Wishing it would just go away
*Hoping it would get better all on its own
*Ignore it until it will no longer be ignored
*Distract myself with food, shopping, internet activity, etc
*Makes excuses about why I feel so miserable
*Blame others for my discomfort
*Expect others to rescue me from my discomfort
*Doing an opinion poll of my friends who will side with my perspective on why I have no power over said discomfort
*Ruminate on how terrible things are without taking a single step to make them better
*Become a subject expert on my problems without doing anything to help make them better
*Feel bad about myself because I can’t figure out how to get through this
*Compare myself to others who don’t have problems or who coped more graciously with their problems
*Feel sorry for myself
*Feel scared and become frozen with fear about all the “what if’s”
*Imagine that my problems are worse than, bigger than, more impossible than everyone else’s
*Deny there’s a problem
*Believe that this one’s too big for God to handle (ridiculous, right??)
And the thing is, none of these go-to approaches help. They only delay figuring out what’s really going on, because coping strategies while helpful, do not bring lasting change. Avoidance makes my world small, increasing my sense of isolation, which in turn makes me feel more anxious. I imagine there’s something too big for me to handle lurking in the dark but at a crisis point I’m forced to step into the center of this mystery and what I find surprises me.
My imagination casts a big shadow making my problem seem insurmountable but as I turn to face this “thing” I see my imagination has been playing tricks on my mind. It’s not too much for me to handle, it’s just uncomfortable, maybe messier than I’d like, and a bit painful. As I face my discomfort and force myself not to run, I take a look around with curiosity to see what there is to see. Mind you, facing and embracing discomfort is not anything I’d naturally do but nothing else has really helped. What I’ve learned is that problems are universal but growth is optional. Unprocessed distress has power over me and my problems remain frozen in place, only partially metabolized when I turn away and pretend “everything will work out.” This is what keeps me stuck.
I don’t particularly mind the feeling of “stuckness” except there’s this nagging voice in my head that says, “There’s more to life than surviving.” In my gut I know that’s true. In the depth of my being I know I’m created for more than just getting by and it’s this spark in my spirit that dares me, pushes me really, to take the risk to turn towards the source of my discomfort rather than to continue hiding and expending massive amounts of energy trying to protect myself from feeling my feelings.
This is the beginning of true freedom – no longer avoiding discomfort, no more protecting myself from big feelings or being worried about not having everything all figured out. Then of course there’s the faith factor that I somehow seem to skip over when I’m absorbed with worry. If I want to stop the internal struggle and the safety-committee chattering in my head, I must be willing to do something different than my old habitual ways to just getting by. It’s not that I’m braver than anyone else, I just made a decision that what I had been doing wasn’t working – and I got help. Faith, therapy, and friends have all given me the courage not to turn away from the “thing” that I now face, embrace, and am curious about. This new approach didn’t happen all at once but I am giving myself permission to try something new because I like the feeling of freedom it’s bringing. I wonder if you will too?

L. Mehnert LMFT © 2017

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6/26/2016 0 Comments

Finding Your Voice

Your voice is utterly unique in all of creation and adds richness to the lives of those you come into contact with. Voice is like a muscle that is strengthened with use and atrophies with disuse. It is like a hothouse flower that flourishes under the right conditions but withers from neglect.
WHY YOUR VOICE MATTERS:
*It helps you gain clarity about your life
*It lets others know how you think and feel
*You are the only one who can use it
*It sets important boundaries
*It reveals your heart
*It connects you to others in important ways
*It keeps you from being isolated
*It reveals your mood
*It helps others understand you
*It reaches God in prayer
*It can be lifted up in song
*And if you choose, it can be a source of great encouragement to others

Your voice matters. "Speak, even if your voice shakes." Maggie Kuhn

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