Blog Archives - L. Mehnert Counseling

4/27/2026 0 Comments

Borderline Personality

Vulnerable-Child Mode
Experience feelings of: Abandonment, anxiety, mistrust, loneliness.
FYI: When vulnerable child feels rejected or thwarted = switch to Angry or Impulsive Child Mode
RX: support & comfort

Angry-Child or Impulsive-Child Mode
Experience angry outbursts, Impulsive behavior.
Internalized negative beliefs triggered by Reactions of Others.
FYI: Followed by Punitive Parent Mode because Self-Loathing is activated.
RX: Help find adequate ways to deal with anger and frustration

Punitive-Parent Mode
Self-devaluation, self-hatred, self-punishment
FYI: When this becomes overwhelming, followed by Detached Protector Mode
RX: Fight the negatives

Detached-Protector Mode
Used to reduce emotional pain, avoid close relationships & intense emotions.
Shows up as: Dissociation, Distraction, Substance Abuse, Binge Eating, Self-Injury, and Isolation in order to cope.
RX: Reassure, Safety, review pro’s and con’s of coping choices, replace with healthy strategies.

Healthy-Adult Mode
Aware of needs, choices, solves problems, creates healthy relationships.
Action are in Congruence with Values, Needs, & Goals. Restore joy, fun, play, safety.
RX: Strengthen healthy modes

Handout by L.Mehnert

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4/20/2026 0 Comments

Book List for Clients

Biblio-Therapy Suggestions
Alan Hawkins. “Should I Try To Work It Out?”
Alice Miller. “Banished Knowledge”
Alice Miller. “For Your Own Good”
Amir Levine. “Attached”
Arteburn & Felton. “Faith That Hurts & Faith That Heals”
Bradley Jersak. “A More Christlike God”
Brian Zahnd. “Sinners In The Hands Of A Loving God”
Carolyn Dean, M.D. “The Magnesium Miracle”
Chantal Heide. “No More A**holes”
Christine Courtois. “It’s Not You, It’s What Happened To You”
Christopher Heuerta. “The Sacred Enneagram”
Daniel Amen. “Change Your Brain Change Your Life”
Daniel Amen. “Unleash The Power Of The Female Brain”
Daniel Amen. “Change Your Brain Every Day”
Daniel Goleman. “Emotional Intelligence”
Daniel Pink. “The Power Of Regret: How Looking Backwards Moves Us Forward”
Daniel Siegel. “The Whole Brain Child”
David Brooks. “How To Know A Person: The Art Of Seeing Others Deeply”
David Burns. “Feeling Good”
Elaine Aron. “The Highly Sensitive Person”
Eve Ensler. “The Apology”
Francine Shapiro. “Getting Past Your Past”
Fumitake Koga Ichiro Kishimi. “The Courage To Ber Disliked”
Gabo Mate M.D. “The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness, & Healing In A Toxic Culture”
Gavin de Becker. “The Gift of Fear”
Gaye Clark. “Loving Your Adult Children”
Geri Scazzero. “The Emotionally Healthy Woman”
Gilbert Bilezikian. “Beyond Sex Roles”
Gretchen Baskerville. “The Life-Saving Divorce”
Harriet Lerner. “The Dance of Fear”
Holli Kenley. “Power Down & Parent Up”
Howard Gardner. “Multiple Intelligences”
Jasmine Lee Cori. “The Emotionally Absent Mother”
Jean Eich. “Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training With Adoloescents”
Jean Shinoda Bolen. “Close To The Bone”
Jennie Allen. “Get Out Of Your Head”
John Gottman. “The Love Prescription”
John Gottman. “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”
John Medina. “Brain Rules” John Sarno M.D. “The Mindbody Prescription”
John Sarno. “The Divided Mind” Jonice Webb. “Running on Empty”
Jordan Peterson. “12 Rules for Life”
Joshua Colemen. “Rules Of Estrangement”
Judith Herman. “Trauma and Recovery”
Judith Orloff. “The Empath’s Survival Guide”
Karen Anderson. “Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters”
Katherine Fabrizio. “The Good Daughter Syndrome”
Kelly Turner. “Radical Remission”
Larry Winget. “Grow A Pair”
Larry Winget. “Shut Up, Stop Whining And Get A Life”
Laura Schlesinger. “10 Stupid Things Men/Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives”
Linday Gibson. “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
Lisa Wilson Davison. “More Than A Womb”
Lysa Terkeurst. “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget”
Lysa Terkeurst. “Good Boundaries And Goodbyes”
Mark Borg, “Don’t Be A Dick: Change Yourself, Change Your World”
Mark Manson. "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck"
Marshall Rosenberg. “Nonviolent Communication”
Michael Singer. “The Untethered Soul”
Michael Yapko. “Hand-Me-Down Blues”
Miguel Ruiz. “The Four Agreements”
Nancy Eiesland. “The Disabled God’
Nancy Sherman. “Afterwar: Healing The Moral Wounds Of Our Soldiers”
Patricia Young. “Understanding And Treating Chronic Shame”
Peter Levine. “In An Unspoken Voice”
Polly Young-Eisendrath. “Love Between Equals”
Rick Warren. “The Purpose Driven Life”
Rebecca Solnit. “Men Explain Things to Me”
Randall Bell. “Post-Traumatic Thriving”
Rebecca Gilber M.D. “Connecting With Our Children”
Rita Brock. “Soul Repair: Recovering From Moral Injury After War”
Robin Norwood. “Women Who Love Too Much”
Roberta Gilber. “Connecting With Our Children”
Ross Greene. “The Explosive Child.”
Shawn Meghan Burn. “Unhealthy Helping”
Sheila Gregoire. “She Deserves Better”
Sondra Barrett. “Secrets of Your Cells”
Soraya Chemaly. “Rage Becomes Her”
Susan Forward. “Emotional Blackmail”
Stephen Porges. “Our Polyvagal World”
Stephen Arterburn. “Faith That Hurts Faith That Heals”
Strahan Coleman. “Beholding”
Terrence Real. “How Can I Get Through To You?”
Terrence Real. “Us”
Thomas Horvath. “Sex, Drugs, Gambling & Chocolate”
Tia Levings. “A Well-Trained Wife”
Tom Holmes. “Parts Work”
Tom Grove. “The Inner Wealth Initiative”
Viktor Frankl. “Man’s Search For Meaning.”
Violet Oaklander. “Hidden Treasure”
William J. Walsh PhD. “Nutrient Power: Heal Your Brain Chemistry…”
Wendy Patrick. “Red Flags”

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT

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4/13/2026 0 Comments

Attunement

The Core of Love is: Emotional Presence!
Attunement: A.R.E.

A: Accessible - When I need you, are you really there for me? Fully present? Reachable both physically and emotionally? Can you defer avoiding me?

R: Responsive – Can I count on you to try understand me? Can you understand why I’m feeling what I feel? Even if you don’t agree with my point of view, can you convey that you at least understand how I’m experiencing something without interrupting me or defending your position? Can you seek to understand me first before you are understood? Are you safe to open up to? Can I count on you not to raise your voice too loudly or have a haughty tone or attitude, or use sarcasm or put-downs? Can I trust that you won’t start problem solving until I first feel understood?

E: Engaged – Can you connect with me or are you distracted by: substances, your mood, illness, reactivity or being triggered by me, unhealed wounds, anxiety, depression, significant life stresses. When you attune to me, I feel safe with you. I feel you have compassion what I’m going through. This helps me to be undefended and open. In turn, it creates a desire for me to afford the same graciousness toward you because now I feel that we’re on the same team. When you show me you can stand with me in my distress, I trust you and lean into you rather than feeling cut-off. I want to feel as though you cherish me rather than see me as an annoyance. *Can you, in turn, provide this level of attunement toward your partner??

Inspired by John Gottman

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4/6/2026 0 Comments

Angry Child Tips

Overly Sensitive or Frustrated Child Tips:

Strategic Approach:
Catch upset early
Recognize early warning signs and take them seriously
Seek to empathetically understand your child’s perspective and AFFIRM
Understand that jumping right to solutions or explanations only makes it worse
List top triggers and solutions to avoid or minimize and give advance warning if unavoidable
Drink cold water
Rinse face with cold water
Brush skin with soft bristle brush
Goals:
See the problems coming rather than once they’re activated
To think clearly in the midst of frustration over time
Parent models behavior desired in child by remaining calm
Provide an emotionally safe and supportive environment where child feels accepted
Collaborative problem solving between parent and child at neutral time
Make deposits into child’s emotional bank account
Quality time? NO Questions or commands, use affirmations, child’s choice activity, learn the art of commentary, tell child you want to spend special time with them 10-20 minutes of one-on-one. No phones or texting – just you and your child -“emotional banking” time. Show lots of interest, discover at least one new or interesting thing about Keith. Follow your child’s lead

Losing Formula:
Child inflexibility + Parent inflexibility = Meltdown!
Parent stressed, tired, distracted + child stressed, tired, distracted = Meltdown!

Basics:
Parent becomes aware of when they, themselves become triggered
Parents model emotional calmness Learn to know bodily signs of early upset and STOP whatever is going on
Diffuse upset [if caught early] by naming emotion, changing environment, empathic affirmation
Child is taught to become aware of the start of confused thinking and signal someone
Brain neurology is hijacked if upset not caught early
Decide what you’re willing to compromise on rather than being rigidly inflexible
Interpret upset, not as disobedience, but as Neural Hijacking
Pro-active in preventing triggering situations, give advanced warning of changes, avoid known triggers
Speak in a respectful, calm voice without any interpretations or labels
Thinking, feeling, problem solving, and communication work together in an integrated way
Emotional flooding is contagious – parent must remain calm
Remain warm, loving, accepting, and safe for your kid
Model respect for your child
Model flexibility for your child

What Not to Do: NO tattle-tale except in the case of safety issues
Trying to use logic, reasoning, explanations, or problem-solving during upset will NOT work
Force parent’s solution on kid – ask kid to collaborate on solution instead
Raise your voice triggers the amygdala to respond to impending threats
Become as emotional as your child will not help anyone
Compare your child to anyone else
Use insensitive language or phrasing that will hurt child but not teach them anything of value
Force your point of view on child in upset – it’s not helpful to them even if there is value for you
Making any kind of threats [loss of privilege, etc]
Reverting to habitual ways of reacting when upset occurs
Having the whole family rush in with high emotion – this is between you and your child only
Not having others be accountable for their contribution to the upset
Punishing during upset
Form negative opinions and expectations about your child
Rigidly insisting on obedience without getting the bigger picture
Avoid forcing solutions

Early Warning Signs / Triggers
Hunger
Sick or feeling ill
Fussing with Jade
Tired
Bored
Restless
Change in energy level
Mood change
Irritability
Fear of failure
Having to change plans without advanced warning
Pressure from parent
Competitive situation
Full-on Volcanic Meltdown:
Safety = #1
Separate to quiet environment
Supportive, calm words
See the problem as a “skill set deficit”
Understand what you are seeing from a neurological point of view not as disobedience
Because of past habitual parental reactions, a child believes they won’t get help in midst of upset Collaborative Problem Solving
Empathy: acknowledging and validating child’s concerns and point of view [What is your child feeling, wanting, and needing in this interaction that’s not happening?]
Is parent very clearly telling the child what you want your child to know?
Help child articulate their concerns
Take child’s concerns very seriously
Establish safety boundaries prior to upset at a neutral time
Parent maintains emotional self-regulation in spite of child’s distress
Invite child to collaborate in problem solving
Child and parent collaborate in anticipating problems
”Ok, let’s talk about it after we’re calm and let’s find out how we can “anticipate” and make it work better next time and try not to keep repeating the same things that haven’t worked

***For more information – Southam-Gerow’s books on emotional regulation are highly recommended as well as Ross Greene’s books on parenting Inspired by Dr. Ross Greene

Handout by Lo Mehnert

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