Blog Archives - L. Mehnert Counseling

5/25/2026 0 Comments

Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive Distortions: Common Forms of Self-Defeating Thoughts

1. All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, “I've blown my diet completely.” This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream!

2. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or "never" when you think about it. Example: A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the windshield of his car. He told himself, “Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!”

3. Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the Positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don't count.” If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

6. Mind Reading: Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

7. Fortune Telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, “I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?” If you're depressed you may tell yourself, “I'll never get better.”

8. Magnification: You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the “binocular trick.”

9. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly.” Or “I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person.” Or “I feel angry. This proves I'm being treated unfairly.” Or I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second-rate person.” Or “I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless.”

10. "Should" Statements: You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, “I shouldn't have made so many mistakes.” This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. “Musts,” “oughts” and “have tos” are similar offenders. Should statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger and frustration: “He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative” Many people try to motivate themselves with should and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. “I shouldn't eat that doughnut.” This usually doesn't work because all these should and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis called this “musterbation.” I call it the “shouldy” approach to life.

11. Labeling: Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying “I made a mistake.” You attach a negative label to yourself: “I'm a loser.” You might also label yourself “a fool” or “a failure” or “a jerk.” Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist. But “fools,” “losers,” and “jerks” do not. These labels are useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, and low self- esteem. You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: “He's an S.O.B,” Then you feel that the problem is with that person's “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves little room for constructive communication.

12. Personalization and Blame: Personalization occurs when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulties at school, she told herself, “this shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, “If only I were better in bed, he wouldn't beat me.” Personalization leads to guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy. Same people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem: 'The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.” Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being a scapegoat and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato - no one wants to get stuck.

If you continue to see/believe from this distorted lens, where will you be in one year? Five years?
What is one small step you can take to challenge your perception??

Handout L. Mehnert LMFT

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5/18/2026 0 Comments

Codependency

Codependency Codependency / is an issue of over-investment into someone or something. It is a relationship in which we stay too long while giving away too much of ourselves and our resources all in an attempt to control, rescue, or change someone or something [www.hollikenley.com]

Based on a need to “be needed”
Dependency upon another person, not dependency on God
Out of balance relationship that creates extreme ups and downs
Fear of abandonment is common
Feeling trapped
If you leave the relationship, you will hurt – but if you stay, you will hurt
Hope for future healing is to be healed from your codependent way of relating
Acknowledge the role you play in perpetuating the codependent pattern
Stop focusing on what your partner is doing
Start focusing on what you need to do to become emotionally healthy
Stop focusing on your partner’s problems
Start focusing on solving your own problems
Stop neglecting people and projects in your own life
Stop focusing on trying to change your partner
Start focusing on changing yourself
Give up your fantasies
Say no when you need to say no and then hold onto your no
Realize the Lord is ready and able to meet your deepest emotional needs
How did you become preoccupied with your partner?
How did you start neglecting yourself and start focusing on taking care of your partner?
How has this relationship replicated your painful childhood experiences?
How have you assigned a higher priority to your partner than to everything else?
Find an accountability partner whom you can be honest with
Learn to free yourself from secrets that preserve outward appearances which are deceptive
Give yourself permission to be honest about your true feelings
Discern your partner’s character and respond accordingly
*Commit to building relationships with trustworthy, mature Christians whose goal is Christlikeness

What Release Is and What Release Is Not…
Releasing you is not to stop loving you, but loving enough to stop leaning on you.
Releasing you is not to stop caring for you, but caring enough to stop controlling you.
Releasing you is not to turn away from you, but turning to Christ, trusting His control over you.
Releasing you is not to harm you, but realizing “my help” has been harmful.
Releasing you is not to hurt you, but to be willing to be hurt for healing.
Releasing you is not to judge you, but letting the divine Judge, judge me.
Releasing you is not to restrict you, but restricting my demands of you.
Releasing you is not to refuse you, but refusing to keep reality from you.
Releasing you is not to cut myself off from you, but pruning the unfruitful away from you.
Releasing you is not to prove my power over you, but admitting I am powerless to change you.
Releasing you is not to stop believing in you, but believing the Lord alone will build character in you.
Releasing you is not to condemn the past, but cherishing the present and committing our future to God.

Because of Him in Me…
Because Christ was not codependent… I will not be codependent.
Because Christ kept healthy boundaries… I will keep healthy boundaries.
Because Christ was not manipulated… I will not be manipulated.
Because Christ stood up to pressure… I will not cave in to pressure.
Because Christ was not guilt-driven… I will not be guilt-driven.
Because Christ refused to compromise, I will not yield to compromise.
Because Christ lives in me… I will conquer codependency! By June Hunt

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1

Handout L. Mehnert LMFT

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5/11/2026 0 Comments

Codependence 101

Some of the symptoms of Codependency include:

Codependency / is an issue of over-investment into someone or something. It is a relationship in which we stay too long while giving away too much of ourselves and our resources all in an attempt to control, rescue, or change someone or something [www.hollikenley.com]

Approval seeking, or people pleasing.
Fear of being alone or abandoned or disapproved of.
Feeling selfish, or guilty for not meeting the needs of others.
Abandoning your desires in favor of other’s desires.
Feeling not good enough, or "too much" or "too little."
Irritable when others don't take your advice.
Taking everything personally, being uncomfortable with differences.
Diminishing or shrinking yourself in order to lift up others.
Being everyone's "go to" person in a crises but not otherwise.
Getting caught in others' trauma and drama rather than living your life.
Perpetually rescuing or fixing others, to your demise.
Giving ultimatums, or nagging to keep others out of trouble.
Covering or taking a fall for others – acting as a human buffer.
Enduring unhealthy relationships to avoid loneliness or fear.
Giving away your finances and other resources to depletion.
Having an addict, user, abuser, or narcissist who takes your life hostage.
Having self-limiting or self-sabotaging beliefs that hold you back.
Over-responsibility or doing way more than your fair share.

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT

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5/4/2026 0 Comments

CBT Explanation

CBT Thought Log Explanation

EVENT: Brief description phrase of what caused upset
FEELINGS: List a feeling you experienced when upset and give it a rank 1-100 that reflects how strong it was. Then describe a corresponding thought for this feeling before listing the next feeling.
THOUGHT: Describe what you were thinking for each specific feeling.
HIGHEST RANKED FEELING: 1-100/ Identify the thought paired with the highest ranked feeling. This helps form the Meaning we attribute to the event and the reason we feel upset by it.
HIGHEST RANKED FEELING 🡪 THOUGHT associated with this specific feeling. This thought will Helps identify the “Hot Thought” that is triggering the emotional reaction to the event.
CONVERT Into HOT THOUGHT: “If this thought were true, what does it say about me?” This translates the thought into your Limiting Self-Belief
EVIDENCE FOR Limiting Self-Belief: Things that seem to make this belief seem as though it is completely accurate and tells the entire truth of a situation
EVIDENCE THAT REFUTES Limiting Self-Belief: Things that contradict this negative way of seeing yourself and expands the possible interpretation of the event
MORE BALANCED THOUGHT: “Even though I sometimes…… and these feelings are strong, ….”
IF I CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THIS, WHERE WILL I BE IN 1, 5, 10 YEARS?
IDENTIFY COGNITIVE DISTORTION: How does this filter impact my reaction, perception, choices, etc?
DOES THIS BELIEF HELP: Encourage, build confidence, stir joy, make me a better person, garner hope, elicit self-compassion, dream big, for self-respect, bring freedom, etc?

WHAT IS ONE SMALL THING I CAN DO TO HELP MAKE THINGS BETTER?

RX: Use awareness of negative self-talk as a “signal” that I’m out of congruence with my best-self and do one small act of kindness toward myself and engage in compassionate self-talk.
Ask: “Aside from my perspective, is there another plausible explanation for what happened?
Recognize the habit of reacting in certain automatic, habitual ways that make things worse. These are simply thought habits that were an adaptation made to cope with earlier circumstances… but they no longer serve your highest and best good in the present day.
For Christian clients: TEST THE SPIRITS: 1 John 4:1, does this belief come into agreement with God’s Word, with God’s attributes, with Love, with God’s call on my life, with God’s will for me? If not, do not receive this limiting belief. If so, make necessary corrections and move forward.

HOT THOUGHT: IF this were true, what would it say about ME? (Meaning we give to event) = Highest Ranked Feeling & Thought, Converted into Meaning:

BIG PICTURE More Balanced Thinking = Expanded Conclusion
Does this Belief help me:
feel confident believe in myself feel hopeful empower me to be my best enhance self-compassion forgive myself avoid self-pity/victimhood
Does this Belief help me to consider any corrections I might make to improve my life?
If I continue to believe this, where will I be in 1, 5, 10 years? Is that where I want to be?
Does this belief help me prosper and be my best, most confident, authentic, daring, etc?
What is one small thing I can do today to embrace a more balanced way of thinking?

MEANING-MAKING: The meaning we attribute to events is not the total reality. Ask if, “Aside from the way I am seeing things, is there ANOTHER way of understanding what I’ve experienced? What else might explain this? Thought + Feeling X Repeatedly = Schema / Deeply Rooted Emotional Belief
What small step could you take that might help improve things?

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT

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