Diversionary Tactics

Diversionary Tactics:

*There is a concern with an issue, issue “X” that you wish to discuss to further understand underlying issues and possible compromises or solutions or an agreement to disagree or collaborate, or attune to one another or to change, etc.  The motive for the person bringing up the issue is to improve the relationship and to enhance emotional/relational intimacy by sharing how they experience an issue.  

*If we can have the emotional maturity to tolerate the distress that accompanies wrestling with uncomfortable issues, we can grow together in intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

*If we are too emotionally fragile to address issues in an adult manner there will eventually be stagnation, frustration, drift, isolation, loneliness and a reservoir of unmet needs that may threaten the relationship by eroding meaningful connection.

*Rather than speaking directly about issue “X” the other person employs diversionary tactics with the purpose of Avoiding talking about an uncomfortable subject which they feel reactive towards.  This avoid tactic can indicate emotional and developmental immaturity, dysfunction or unhealed trauma.

There are many different diversionary tactics.  Here are typical [but not comprehensive]  examples:

*An intolerance of distressful feelings which makes you focus on how anxious you are rather than issue “X” *Hurt Feelings – now we’re focused on hurt feelings and not issue “X”     
*History – dredge up the past about how YOU did such and such and now we are focused on the past and not issue “X”     
*Criticism – complaining about your badness and not discussing issue “X” at all     
*Blame – focusing on how you are the one causing problems and issue “X” is forgotten     
*Name Calling – crazy, bitch, emotional are meant to upset you enough that you get distracted and stop talking about issue “X” while you defend yourself against these attacks     
*Sarcasm, mockery, belittling to hurt you so that you focus on their cruelty and not issue “X” *Insist the past is past and get over it – but if you are not over it, that’s because you never reached a solve or compromise and need to stay focused on issue “X” until you do so
*“You always,” and “You never,” statements that divert the conversation away from issue “X”     
*Smooth talk, empty promises, cajoling, sexual moves which manipulate attention away from issue “X” so that they don’t need to face their part in the problem     *Zero desire for personal accountability for any part of issue “X”     
*They are not bothered by issue “X” so that don’t see the point in wasting time on it     
*Minimizing, making light of the problem because they think it’s no big deal
*Freezing or clamming up when tough topics arise with the belief that they do not need to address issue “X” after they unfreeze – as though that’s some get-out-of-jail-free excuse

Solution:
Ask yourself: 

*Are we talking about and focusing on issue “X” or something else?
*Is the other person listening to understand our concern or more invested in being right and defending their position?     
*Are they asking questions to clarify what the problem is?     
*Are they validating your point of view even if they have a different way of seeing things?  

OR:  
​*Are you going round and round and never getting a solve or mutual understanding?     
*Do you come away feeling misunderstood?     
*Do you feel taken seriously or made out to be overly sensitive?     
*Does the same issue crop up again and again?

*The easiest way to know if your concern has been HIJACKED BY DIVERSIONARY TACTICS is to ask yourself whether you are focused on the issue of concern - or are you focused on something else?  The avoidant person is a skilled practitioner in diverting attention to anything but the topic you’ve brought up.  Are you aware of what’s happening?  Are you playing into their hands?  Are you ready to be more effective communicators before your relationship suffers from lack of meaningful connection?  Read my handout on mindful communication.  

Handout by L. Mehnert LMFT