Real Transformation begins when I embrace my problems as agents for growth. That is an inconvenient truth because I was taught to avoid discomfort as much as possible and to control potential upsets by having “practical” strategies for various pitfalls that await those who are unprepared. But what I have learned as I’ve grown is that it’s impossible to avoid problems and even if I have a bag full of strategies, they don’t always work. I decided at a moment of great discomfort that I was tired of dodging bullets and wondered if there was another way to view my problems. The answer is, yes. Face them, ughhh. And embrace them! What?? No, really, it helps.
Common Approaches Dealing with Discomfort or a Problem:
*Wishing it would just go away
*Hoping it would get better all on its own
*Ignore it until it will no longer be ignored
*Distract myself with food, shopping, internet activity, etc
*Makes excuses about why I feel so miserable
*Blame others for my discomfort
*Expect others to rescue me from my discomfort
*Doing an opinion poll of my friends who will side with my perspective on why I have no power over said discomfort
*Ruminate on how terrible things are without taking a single step to make them better
*Become a subject expert on my problems without doing anything to help make them better
*Feel bad about myself because I can’t figure out how to get through this
*Compare myself to others who don’t have problems or who coped more graciously with their problems
*Feel sorry for myself
*Feel scared and become frozen with fear about all the “what if’s”
*Imagine that my problems are worse than, bigger than, more impossible than everyone else’s
*Deny there’s a problem
*Believe that this one’s too big for God to handle (ridiculous, right??)
And the thing is, none of these go-to approaches help. They only delay figuring out what’s really going on, because coping strategies while helpful, do not bring lasting change. Avoidance makes my world small, increasing my sense of isolation, which in turn makes me feel more anxious. I imagine there’s something too big for me to handle lurking in the dark but at a crisis point I’m forced to step into the center of this mystery and what I find surprises me.
My imagination casts a big shadow making my problem seem insurmountable but as I turn to face this “thing” I see my imagination has been playing tricks on my mind. It’s not too much for me to handle, it’s just uncomfortable, maybe messier than I’d like, and a bit painful. As I face my discomfort and force myself not to run, I take a look around with curiosity to see what there is to see. Mind you, facing and embracing discomfort is not anything I’d naturally do but nothing else has really helped. What I’ve learned is that problems are universal but growth is optional. Unprocessed distress has power over me and my problems remain frozen in place, only partially metabolized when I turn away and pretend “everything will work out.” This is what keeps me stuck.
I don’t particularly mind the feeling of “stuckness” except there’s this nagging voice in my head that says, “There’s more to life than surviving.” In my gut I know that’s true. In the depth of my being I know I’m created for more than just getting by and it’s this spark in my spirit that dares me, pushes me really, to take the risk to turn towards the source of my discomfort rather than to continue hiding and expending massive amounts of energy trying to protect myself from feeling my feelings.
This is the beginning of true freedom – no longer avoiding discomfort, no more protecting myself from big feelings or being worried about not having everything all figured out. Then of course there’s the faith factor that I somehow seem to skip over when I’m absorbed with worry. If I want to stop the internal struggle and the safety-committee chattering in my head, I must be willing to do something different than my old habitual ways to just getting by. It’s not that I’m braver than anyone else, I just made a decision that what I had been doing wasn’t working – and I got help. Faith, therapy, and friends have all given me the courage not to turn away from the “thing” that I now face, embrace, and am curious about. This new approach didn’t happen all at once but I am giving myself permission to try something new because I like the feeling of freedom it’s bringing. I wonder if you will too?
L. Mehnert LMFT © 2017
Common Approaches Dealing with Discomfort or a Problem:
*Wishing it would just go away
*Hoping it would get better all on its own
*Ignore it until it will no longer be ignored
*Distract myself with food, shopping, internet activity, etc
*Makes excuses about why I feel so miserable
*Blame others for my discomfort
*Expect others to rescue me from my discomfort
*Doing an opinion poll of my friends who will side with my perspective on why I have no power over said discomfort
*Ruminate on how terrible things are without taking a single step to make them better
*Become a subject expert on my problems without doing anything to help make them better
*Feel bad about myself because I can’t figure out how to get through this
*Compare myself to others who don’t have problems or who coped more graciously with their problems
*Feel sorry for myself
*Feel scared and become frozen with fear about all the “what if’s”
*Imagine that my problems are worse than, bigger than, more impossible than everyone else’s
*Deny there’s a problem
*Believe that this one’s too big for God to handle (ridiculous, right??)
And the thing is, none of these go-to approaches help. They only delay figuring out what’s really going on, because coping strategies while helpful, do not bring lasting change. Avoidance makes my world small, increasing my sense of isolation, which in turn makes me feel more anxious. I imagine there’s something too big for me to handle lurking in the dark but at a crisis point I’m forced to step into the center of this mystery and what I find surprises me.
My imagination casts a big shadow making my problem seem insurmountable but as I turn to face this “thing” I see my imagination has been playing tricks on my mind. It’s not too much for me to handle, it’s just uncomfortable, maybe messier than I’d like, and a bit painful. As I face my discomfort and force myself not to run, I take a look around with curiosity to see what there is to see. Mind you, facing and embracing discomfort is not anything I’d naturally do but nothing else has really helped. What I’ve learned is that problems are universal but growth is optional. Unprocessed distress has power over me and my problems remain frozen in place, only partially metabolized when I turn away and pretend “everything will work out.” This is what keeps me stuck.
I don’t particularly mind the feeling of “stuckness” except there’s this nagging voice in my head that says, “There’s more to life than surviving.” In my gut I know that’s true. In the depth of my being I know I’m created for more than just getting by and it’s this spark in my spirit that dares me, pushes me really, to take the risk to turn towards the source of my discomfort rather than to continue hiding and expending massive amounts of energy trying to protect myself from feeling my feelings.
This is the beginning of true freedom – no longer avoiding discomfort, no more protecting myself from big feelings or being worried about not having everything all figured out. Then of course there’s the faith factor that I somehow seem to skip over when I’m absorbed with worry. If I want to stop the internal struggle and the safety-committee chattering in my head, I must be willing to do something different than my old habitual ways to just getting by. It’s not that I’m braver than anyone else, I just made a decision that what I had been doing wasn’t working – and I got help. Faith, therapy, and friends have all given me the courage not to turn away from the “thing” that I now face, embrace, and am curious about. This new approach didn’t happen all at once but I am giving myself permission to try something new because I like the feeling of freedom it’s bringing. I wonder if you will too?
L. Mehnert LMFT © 2017